[Coda]

I extracted the brain from my fallen servant and implanted it into a new body in an arcane ritual. After summoning its soul back with the appropriate incantations... it's alive!

In all seriousness: I took the Mac-formatted hard drive from my broken server, put it in my Windows desktop, installed Debian in a virtual machine, attached the VM to the hard drive, and started up the server software from there. I'm back up and running, although this scheme isn't ideal in the long run -- but this will serve (pun intended) until I can get some new hardware. I'm in the market for used computer parts if anyone has any!